do you wanna die happy?

Day 1

its all so odd.
i have to keep reminding myself that my phone will not ring, and it never will.
something that i have to get used to.
i thought it would be better this way. but i guess i was wrong.
anyhow, its just the first day.
and i predict, alot of attention tomorrow.
alot of commotion tomorrow.
and alot of talking tomorrow.

nevermind if you dont get it, i do.

i doubt im able to convince myself to still continue in this.
i live in self-hatred everyday.
i hate how im feeling now, i hate whatever that is going on now.
its unfair to others as well as to myself.
im beginning to not know who am i.
i need to leave.
i need to be alone.

i missed talking to you.

its feels weird now that everybody's moving on with their lives while im still stuck here.
yes, everybody's doing great. be it work or school.
but here i am, facing the laptop, doing nothing, typing nonsense.
when everyone has made an achievement in life, and you're not, you'l understand what im feeling now.

and what do i have? 
a closet full of clothes, a never ending shoe collection, a lousy bed and cabinet (which by the way, ive got no money to get news ones, yet). which all of the above is of no use at all..
yes, look how great my life is right now. its horrendous.
I didnt get my dream job because of my qualification, i feel confined in my current job eventhough im having fun with my collegues everyday.
im being contridicting, i know.
HR's just not my thing. i need something more lively, something about fashion. something... happening.

and im begining to think that fb's a silent killer. it makes you see things that makes you upset. pictures, status, updates, comments, everything. and yet, you'l still choose to login and be a miserable bug behind the screen.
perhaps thats why some chose to terminate their accounts. to end. or that is when you doubt yourself and perhaps that what breaks couples up. (<- i got a feeling)

its high time i make a change. going out to meet new people instead of dwelling in self-pity. and that is what i will always say but not do. goodness.
but not now, not anymore.

watch me.

All men cheats.
It runs in their blood.

what the hell is wrong with me?
im doing things that i never did before. and im getting worse.
all i know is, if i dont hold on, or do anything, i may lose.
i know all the symtoms, i know all the signs.
and i can sense that something's brewing.
i cannot ignore all that i've felt, known, or seen.

you used to tell me that im like a man when it comes to relationships.
so, can i ever be 'manly' or courageous enough to break this off now?
will i be able to live, after it all?


而我已经分不清
你是友情 还是错过的爱情

i thought i was better. i thought ive found myself back yesterday. but its not like what i thought it was.
this is the time whereby i love technologies. They help in hiding you from the outside world and your emotions from others. i can be good in texts, phonecalls, cyberspace.
but i can't be well infont of people. especially with a group of people. no matter how upset i was, i'll always be fine with friends around me. but this time round, this time, its different. i felt breathless, i felt empty when facing everybody. i felt like running away from them. the sounds, the voices, kept producing an irritating ringing sound in my ears that there was one point of time, i almost wanted to walk up and leave.
this is bad, isnt it?
i wanted to just cry out loud while going home. i wanted to just jump off from any building and end my life just then. i wanted to scream out loud to vent all my fustrations.
i am such an emotional wreck right now.
i can't, im sorry.
i've tried and im tired now.